A Letter From Our Egg Donor. 7.27.17

This needs little introduction. This is one of the most amazing things that has ever happened to me. This process has been awful, but the woman that we so luckily, fatefully, and stressfully chose to be our egg donor, is amazing.

Below is a letter that we received from our fertility clinic. They do not encourage egg donors to reach out to their egg counterparts, but they will allow it if it happens. We feel so lucky to have received this letter. Honestly, it makes me feel so much more secure in my choice because this is something I would do. The description of herself that the donor provides sounds more and more like me, and I feel good knowing that these genes are helping to create my child. Read it! You won’t regret it. And share it, it’s beautiful.

“To the New Family,

Maybe writing you a letter is not typical of this experience, but then, I’ve never been one to follow the norm. J I want you to know that I am SO excited that I get to be a small part of your lives for this one moment. Although I think of both of you all the time, I have found that through this process I feel the most connection with the future (or maybe already!) mom. So, it is to you that I write now, grateful that you trusted me to give you this incredible gift. I promise I did everything in my power to make sure these little baby eggs were as perfect as they could possibly be for you, and I know you can’t wait to see the fruit of that effort turn into your perfect little baby girl or boy!

In just a few days now you are going to be a mother, and I will have the lifelong honor of knowing that I was able to be a part of making that happen for you. That thought has been on my mind ever since I first received the phone call telling me that somewhere out there a couple had chosen me to help them fulfill their dream of becoming parents. In some ways, I still can’t fully believe that I get to do this, that I get to be the reason you are able to be a mom!

Years ago, I had friends who found difficulty in conceiving a child together. As I read her words in her blog, seeing the struggle of her heart as she so desperately wanted to be able to bring a child into her world, my own world was changed. At the time, I had no idea that one day life would bring me to the other side of her struggle, but when I think about this entire process I picture her struggle when I think of you. Though you likely have not taken every step she did and you are a very different person, I know in my heart that you, like her, are meant to be a mother. This child is meant to be yours. I don’t believe in fate, but I do believe that this small piece of me was always meant to be a piece of you. Next week I won’t be losing anything, but finally giving you what was rightfully yours.

When I think of the future this beautiful baby will have with your family, I can only feel that he is so lucky to have parents who wanted him so much. To know what you did, what you sacrificed, how hard you prayed for her, will only be the tip of the iceberg in realizing just how much she is loved. If there is just one thing I would tell him, one thing I want her to know, it’s that you, his mother, could never love him more and that no other person on this earth besides you will ever love her the same. To have you in his life means that he already has the best gift the world could possibly bring to her. That little baby is so blessed.

I know that you have my entire medical history. You’ve seen pictures of me as a small child. You know the color of my hair and eyes and skin. Maybe any more information about who I am doesn’t really matter, but I do want to share just a little bit of me with you. I am a bookworm. I love to read and I love to learn. I excel in science and English, but find little interest in math or history, though I still always manage to get that all-important A! J I adore music and I listen to everything from classic rock to electronic to folksy acoustic music. I like to stay active. I run and hike and twist myself into knots during yoga classes. I love to laugh and find so much happiness and joy in the simple things in my life. Most importantly, I cherish the people I love and would do anything for them.

I wish for you and your new family a lifetime of laughter, of cuddles and kisses and happiness. I know you look forward to so many firsts for this sweet baby that you’re going to have soon, and I know that you will cherish every one of those moments more because of what you’ve been through to bring your child into the world. I hope you know that whenever you cross my mind, I will think of each of you with so much love and excitement for the future that you have together. Your family is such a beautiful one and I am eternally grateful to be able to help you make these moments a reality.

With so much love,

Me”

I’m in tears again.

Xoxo,

Sara

Your life doesn’t have to revolve around your infertility. 7.13.17

But who are we kidding? It kind of does. Especially when you’re on devil drugs and your body kind of hates you and everything hurts. Oh and people with brand new babies are pregnant again. And maybe they had trouble too?! But you can’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy.

Back to the original topic. As powerful, painful, time-consuming, and life-consuming infertility is…it’s not your life. It’s not forever. You will find your family or you will find your new dream (like a farmhouse with a donkey, goats, chickens, and 10 acres…yeah, we’ve thought about it). Eventually the struggle of the inbetween will just be a gross memory.

I have to say, though, infertility is one of those things that you can’t truly understand until you’re in the thick of it. Trust me when I say that you can’t even understand it when you’re walking into it. Over four months in and the game changes constantly.

But what about all of the other great things you get to do? What about your wonderful husband, friends, dogs, mountains, beautiful summer days? I’m trying so hard these days to focus on the positives, and I recognize that I shouldn’t stay focused on the shit storm that is IVF, but it’s very hard to pull away.

I’ve been on Lupron (supression injection) since 7/2. I feel horrible. I’m having body aches, headaches, weird cramps, bad moods. This is WAY worse than last time. The body aches are the most surprising and most painful. My joints even ache. What is so different?! My body seems mad. I didn’t choose this, I can’t control it, can’t this just be over?

We got a call today that after some additional blood work this morning, it turns out that my lazy ovary from our last cycle decided to ovulate. Less than 10% of patients ovulate while on supression meds. How come you had to over acheive this time, righty? Totally unexpected and unwelcomed. The estrogen that I’m taking won’t do it’s job at this stage in my cycle. My uterus cannot be properly prepped for a transfer now. So the phone call came with the instructions to stop all meds, put them aside, and wait on my period. It should take 18-20 days to come on, and with cycle day one, I will once again start birth control. 7-10 days of those devil pills, and then back to the Lupron injections. I’m telling myself that this break will be beneficial. I will take a mini-vacay, try to relax, get in some work outs…and hopefully start back up in a great place mentally and physically.

Maybe this is the best route? But it’s switching our plan from a fresh transfer to a frozen transfer and we don’t love that. Our donor will continue her meds and her egg retreival should happen in about two weeks. We will get continuous updates on that, and then once I am back on my period, we will get a new calendar to determine our transfer date.

Delays suck. Unexpected results suck. Drugs suck. Being infertile sucks. I just want my baby and I just want to move on. But hopefully this is what’s supposed to be happening and the next few months will bring the great news we’ve been so impatiently waiting for…

Chicago

Took this on our plane ride to Chicago last weekend. I think it’s a nice reminder that there are many other things to be thankful for and many other things happening, other than our time of suckiness.

Xoxo,

Sara

 

White. Effing. Folders. 5.18.17

We have…too…many.

preg

As insignificant as it may seem, each of these folders represents a time that we made a visit to the fertility clinic and our plans changed. The first visit…when we learned how much harder conceiving our own biological children would actually be. The third visit…when we were given contracts, instructions, pricing, INFORMATION OVERLOAD on IVF and what it all means. The day of the retrieval when we were sent home with new medication instructions and rules of what to do and what not to do. Then there’s today, the newest white folder with information and options on what we should do next. Information on acupuncture, egg donors, a 13 page egg donor recipient agreement, a profile page to fill out of what we would want in an egg donor….literally choosing “career, marital status, child status….freckles? Rosy-complexion? Curly hair? Some high school? Professional degree?”. Blerg. Is there a box to check for 50% me and 50% Dawson?

We haven’t decided to use an egg donor. We haven’t decided ANYTHING. And while this new information is sort of overwhelming, I think we also feel excited over new possibilities. Crossing the “sorry, you’re not pregnant” hump into the “where do we go now?” hump. I think the obvious choice is taking our time. My body might be a ticking biological clock, but it won’t do me any good to rush into any thing.

But I must admit how super effing weird it is to think that I might not ever have a child that is actually made up of my biological matter. That I might have to choose someone to mix up with my (truly) perfect husband. That one day I might carry that child and then try to figure out how to explain to them what a miracle/cluster-you-know-what their creation really was.

IVF is hard and every decision feels like it’s the hardest one yet, but woe is me, what is life? Our doctor told us today that all of his patients felt like they were making the hardest decision of their lifetime when they decided to use an egg donor, but now, looking back…it got them to where they wanted to be. It got them to the role of parents and holding a baby in their arms. And isn’t that what we came for?

Xoxo,

Sara

 

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