How to Suck Less at Being Fertile. 6.23.17

WHEW. Hey June, bye June! Where has the month gone? Half of the year has flown by and I feel like I can personally attribute most of that to infertility. My brain, my life, my decisions have just revolved around a calendar of periods, drugs, donors, dates. Trying to travel, work, go to weddings, all while trying to just MAKE A BABY. 2017 will be one for the books.

But I digress. We have updates! First, I’ve been trying to suck less at being fertile by going to acupuncture every week and I’ve started Chinese herbs. Or I could also refer to them as liquid-shits. Not only do they taste and smell like it, but they give them to me too! TMI? 😉

Recently, one more herb has been added, but I rotate through these as I move through my monthly cycle. They’re not great 🙂

Why am I putting all of this effort into being fertile if we’ve decided to use donor eggs? I don’t even know. But I do know that acupuncture can help me to maintain a pregnancy and reduce stress. And my life has been FULL of stress. So I’ll do it! I have to admit though, I’m not as focused on these practices as I should be. I sometimes think that my brain is forcing me to rebel on some of the rules of “how to not suck so much at being fertile” because of our next round of IVF being donor eggs. I honestly just am not committed to giving up ALL caffeine, alcohol, sweets, keeping my heart rate under 140bpm (that’s hard to do when you’re trying to race your husband on the elliptical). Does that make me a bad momma-to-be? I don’t think so. Life is all about balance.

Infertility SUCKS and if I’m going to survive it, I’m not going to try too hard to not be good at it. Are you following? 🙂

I’ve also had the pleasure of squeezing, loving, hugging, possibly-torturing my first nephew who’s here for the summer.

Sara and Felix

I don’t care how much he might drool, spit up, cry, scream…it feels too good to just hold him. He’s so alert, lively, seriously gorgeous, and has the best rolls. I need a baby.

Latest update would also be that we did a genetic screening panel on Dawson to make sure that he is compatible with our donor and that he doesn’t carry anything scary. He came back as a positive carrier for a few conditions, but really nothing to worry about. And we can use our donor!

I started my period and get to start the wonderful birth control today. I HATE YOU BC. I get acne, I get irritable, I feel fat. This is such a not fun part of infertility, another reason to rebel. But this WILL be my last go at birth control…and fertility treatment!

I heard that our donor has not started her period. So that’s good! It means that hopefully we can sync up on this cycle and do our transfer with the next cycle. That means, fewer days to a positive pregnancy test.

Oh hey, a pregnant lady just walked past my window, how’d you make that baby, lady?? This is a question that I find myself wanting to ask of strangers. I never will! But sometimes it’s nice to find out that you’re not the only one fighting this battle.

So…wanna suck less at being fertile? Try new things. Accept your circumstances. Whine when you need to. Count your blessings when you can. And rebel a little. You won’t regret it.

Xoxo,

Sara

I thought IVF was scary. 6.7.17

I thought IVF was scary.

There are many emotions you experience when looking back on the fact that months of physical, mental, and financial effort failed you. Straight up FAILED. YOU. That’s the whole truth (and remember, YOU didn’t fail). You saved up money, you read lots and lots of information, you got lots and lots of things pushed into your vagina, and you experienced so many feelings…only to fail.

So now, as I’m looking back on the process of IVF, I’m thinking “I thought I was scared then”. I’m so scared now. The feelings of the unknowns and the what-ifs, and the sadness that IVF did not work, are all outweighed by all of the things that I’m scared of.

I’m scared of making the next decision because no matter how we look at it, it will shape our entire future. There are two things I know to be true: 1) making this decision is just a small step in the baby-making process, but 2) it will determine our future.

If we choose to proceed with IVF with my eggs, we are bringing onto ourselves another month of stress, pain, and very little chance of success.

If we choose to proceed with IVF with donor eggs, I have to let go of my genetics. I have to mourn the loss of what a Dawson + Sara baby could’ve been, and choose to explore what a 50% Dawson + 4392498% loved, nurtured, and carried by Sara baby will be (and of course, loved and nurtured by Dawson).

I’ve pored and pored and stressed and stressed and cried over this decision so many times. Dawson has given me my space and been there to support me when I’ve cried. He’s made his preference known, but in the most respectful, kind way.

After weeks of stress-induced acid reflux, a heavy heart so heavy that my chest hurts, distraction, and a few low points…I can take a step back and look at the big picture and realize “We went into this wanting to make a baby, so let’s make a baby”.

I can’t do IVF and fail again. I can’t do it again and know that doing it with my eggs could very well mean we’ll be doing it again in another year. I might look, seem, and sound strong throughout this process, but I am beaten up. I have so much respect for those women who have made it through numerous rounds of IVF.

I want a baby, I want to move on and raise a baby with the coolest husband around. I want to carry Dawson’s baby and I’m going to do just that…with donor eggs.

Hey egg mama (I’ve decided she’s the egg mama, I’m the baby mama). Thank you for your willingness to sacrifice your body, your time, and I’m sure a little of your sanity too to give me what it is I want so, so badly.

Commence “babies, babies, babies” round 2!

Baby Momma Shopping_LI

Egg mama shopping…you guys like my professional editing job of blurring personal info? 😉

Xoxo,

Sara

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