Bear with me. This one’s all over the place.
This weekend, I made a trip back home for a best friend’s wedding shower. I spent time with some of my most favorite people. Silly, smart, sweet, kind, caring people. I have some awesome friends. And they have awesome husbands! We played games, celebrated our beautiful bride, I saw my old home from high school, we were spoiled with the husbands doing all of the cooking and cleaning…it was such a great trip.
It came at the best time. Friday, I had a doctor’s appointment to check the progress of my ovaries after a week on all of my drugs. It sucked. I left in tears, exhausted, crying so hard that I couldn’t catch my breath. My ovaries are slow and lazy and only one was showing much progress in growing follicles (the things that pop your eggs). My nurse was kind but realistic in saying “this isn’t ideal”. I heard her words slowly as she said “…this might be a time to talk about cancelling your cycle or possibly delaying”….”maybe we had a bad start…it was a bad month to start”. WHAT. I just spent all of my money and you want to cancel? I just did 7 days of 4 shots, I’ve had a headache non-stop, I’m losing all of my focus, I’m grumpy…and you want to cancel?! I was in disbelief. I think Dawson was too.
God bless my in-laws. I work for them, and I don’t think I could survive this process in any other world. My old job (retail) would’ve made this an impossible task. I came to work after the appointment and brought my mother-in-law to tears with my shock and my own tears. “I’ve never seen you cry!” she said, it was awful. A major downfall of IVF and letting those around you know what’s going on. I hate that this process means bringing sadness onto those around us when we’re sad. But the support of those closest to us is what’s helping us day to day.
I spent an hour at work then went home to meet Dawson. We cuddled up in bed and I snoozed before he went back to work. I woke up to a call from the fertility clinic…”we want to continue”. Dawson and I both agreed that this was best. “This is most likely the only way you’ll get pregnant, and with your Diminished Ovarian Reserve, the chances of having more than one or two eggs is slim…so this might be the best chance”. It only takes one.
So we were back on. I continued my shots, had my trip away, and started to feel better thinking “we just have to do it”. I’ve found that telling myself I have one day to be sad actually helps. 24 hours to feel despair and think “why us?!” then back to feeling hopeful and like I want to take on the world. Mind games can help.
I went back to the doctor today and got some decent news….but no miracles like I was hoping for. My two good follicles on one side are growing at the appropriate rate, 16mm and 17mm; they should be 20mm for retrieval day. My right ovary has a couple of follicles around 10mm, but nothing really happening. My uterus however…is a superstar! Growing well, good patterns; hopefully this means a pregnancy will stick.
But what do you do when you know that everything could change any day? It could all come to a screeching halt. How do you go day to day not knowing what emotion to feel? Here’s what I did:
I laid in the yard for two hours, soaking up the sun, trying to relax, and listening to “S-Town”, the podcast. “S-town” is what the subject of the podcast calls his hometown, aka “shit-town”. THIS WAS THE BEST IDEA. I tried to do a 30 minute meditation as well, but I literally started to fall asleep. S-Town (seriously, check out this podcast…if you haven’t already listened to “Serial”, hit that one up too. And “Anna Faris is Unqualified” is hilariously wonderful as well) pulled me into someone else’s reality. I wish I could do this every day. Find something to take your mind off of your own “shit-town” and float away.
Staring at the mountains and the bright blue sky doesn’t hurt either.
I go back to the doctor tomorrow morning for another progress check. If my two fighting follicles are still growing, it might be time to trigger (aka the dreaded “butt shot”). A trigger tomorrow would mean a retrieval on Thursday. A trigger Wednesday would mean a retrieval on Friday. It’s getting so close. There’s a full moon tomorrow, my birthday is Wednesday, Easter is right around the corner.
This week is so pivotal. Come on follicles…come on eggs…let’s get out of shit-town!! Maybe the Easter bunny can help??